Homesick

Homesick: feeling sad, lonely, and longing for your home, family, or familiar places while you are away.

Pretty much my entire life, I have suffered from homesickness. I’m an only child, so my parents are my best friends and my house was all mine. Being away from any of that has always been hard for me. But as I’ve grown into being an adult(ish), my homesickness has gotten more complicated.

I know that I’ve always had a hard time being away from my parents, which they probably find hard to believe. While I made some attempts at sleepaways, I always seemed to have withdrawals from Mom and Dad the second they drove away. But even when I was crying in a cabin somewhere wishing I could go home, I knew that eventually I would. Camp would end, the sleepover would be over in the morning, or someone would come pick me up. There was always a set time when I would be going home again.

Now, that has changed. It’s gotten harder to cope with because I never really know when I’ll have time to go see my parents or when they’ll come see me wherever I happen to be in the world. Becoming your own person and slowly starting to leave your parents is something I’ve discovered to be one of the most excruciating parts of growing up. There isn’t really a set date anymore when someone tells you it’s time to pack your stuff because you’re going home. At some point, the place you left becomes somewhere you visit, and the place you moved to becomes the place you’re supposed to start calling home.

I can also confirm this isn’t how everyone feels. Some people push for independence and can’t wait to be on their own. And to be fair, I went through that phase too. In high school, there was definitely a period when I didn’t want my parents around. I wanted to do my own thing, be with my friends, and have a life that felt separate from them. Like most teenagers, I couldn’t wait to have my own life and not have to answer to anyone. But somewhere along the way, that completely changed. As I’ve gotten older, it has actually gotten harder for me to want that complete independence. The more experiences I have and the more of the world I get to see, the more I find myself wishing my parents were there to experience it with me.

When I lived in Italy, I was never homesick for America. I was homesick for my parents. I didn’t desperately miss my bedroom or my hometown or even the familiarity of being in the United States. I desperately wanted my parents to experience the world the way I was getting to. Every time I found an amazing restaurant, walked down a beautiful street, saw something ridiculous, or discovered somewhere new, I thought about how much they would love it. I wanted to put them in my pocket and take them everywhere.

But why? Why the sudden change? Why was there a time when I couldn’t wait to get away from them, and now I wish I never really had to leave?

Psychologists use the term “emerging adulthood” to describe the period roughly between adolescence and adulthood, particularly the late teens and twenties. It’s a stage filled with identity exploration, instability, moving, changing relationships, and figuring out what you actually want your adult life to look like. The American Psychological Association describes emerging adulthood as a period when people are beginning to become independent while still existing somewhere between adolescence and full adulthood.

I think that weird in-between is part of what makes homesickness so complicated in your twenties. For most of my childhood, almost everything around me changed while home stayed the same. I changed schools, friends, hobbies, interests, and versions of myself, but my parents and my home were always the constants. Then you grow up, move away, and suddenly you’re supposed to become your own constant.

Maybe that’s why homesickness feels different to me now. When I was 10, being away from my parents was scary because I was a kid and I wanted my mom and dad. Now, being away from them can feel sad because I actually understand what being away means. Growing up makes you aware of time in a way that childhood never does. You realize you aren’t automatically going to live under the same roof again. Your parents have their own lives and you’re building yours. There are jobs, relationships, school, moves, trips, and a million other things deciding when you get to be together.

Your relationship with your parents changes too. At 15, my parents were the people telling me what I could and couldn’t do. Now they’re the people I want to call to tell them about what I did. Maybe I don’t miss being a child as much as I miss the simplicity of having the people I love automatically included in my everyday life. I didn’t have to schedule time with them or figure out when I would see them next. They were just there.

And I think that’s what living in Italy finally made me understand about homesickness. Home isn’t always a physical place. Research on homesickness has found that it can involve both missing familiar environments and separation from the people we are emotionally attached to. That distinction makes a lot of sense to me because I’ve made homes in different cities, apartments, and even countries. I’ve called places home that look absolutely nothing like the house I grew up in, and somehow I can still feel homesick while sitting inside of them.

You spend so much of your childhood dreaming about getting out into the world, only to finally get there and realize how badly you want to bring pieces of your old world with you. I still want the independence. I still want the adventure. I still want to live in new places, meet new people, and build a life that is completely mine. I just wish sometimes that I could put my parents in my pocket and take them with me.

Maybe growing up isn’t about learning how to stop needing home. Maybe it’s about realizing that home was never the house in the first place