Self Care

Self-care can be your key to success in life, but it only works when you tailor it to your life. You can’t follow trendy fitness challenges and diets that work for other people, then become upset with yourself when you don’t see the same results. That’s when self-care shifts into a self-destructive mindset. I’ve been there, so let’s dive into it.

This week at my therapy appointment, I came to realize I have more negative thoughts about myself than I even knew. I was asked to change one of those negative thoughts into something positive, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t come up with one thing I truly believed was a positive. I know this isn’t just a me thing. I think a lot of us struggle to understand what good things others see in us. As a society that spends so much time analyzing ourselves and trying the latest fads, supplements, or beauty trends, why do we still find it so hard to see something we actually like in ourselves?

I think part of the answer is a lack of genuine self-care and the rise of performative self-care. Real self-care is meant to support your well-being mentally, emotionally, and physically. Performative self-care, on the other hand, often focuses on how things look rather than how they feel. It’s the difference between doing something because it actually helps you and doing something because it fits an image.

There’s actually a psychological framework that helps explain this. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, self-actualization sits at the very top. It represents becoming your most fulfilled, authentic self. But before you can even reach that level, you have to meet more foundational needs like safety, stability, connection, and self-esteem. Studies in psychology consistently show that when those lower needs aren’t met, it becomes significantly harder to develop confidence or a positive self-image. In other words, if you’re constantly trying to “optimize” yourself without feeling grounded or secure, it makes sense that self-love feels out of reach.

Researchers also suggest that a large percentage of people struggle with low self-esteem or persistent negative self-talk at some point in their lives. It’s not rare, it’s just not always talked about openly. And when social media amplifies ideal routines and lifestyles, it can reinforce the idea that we’re falling behind, even when we’re just human.

My homework from therapy was to make affirmation post-it notes for my mirror, but of course I wanted to take it one step further. I realized I’ve been neglecting real self-care. Not in the sense of routines or appearances, but in actually doing things that improve my life in a meaningful way. Not how I look, not how my life appears to others, but how I feel living it.

I think that’s the key to beneficial self-care: keeping it personal. People don’t need to know your gym progress or your night routine. When you start looking for comparison or validation, it can quickly turn into performative care. It shifts from doing things for yourself to doing things for the perception of others, and that’s where it loses its value.

But why am I talking about this then? I’m not here to tell you what exact steps to take. If anything, I’m encouraging the opposite. Create your own. If you’ve read my blogs, you know I’m a big advocate for carving your own path, and this is no different.

However, I’ll use myself as an example. For the next 30 days of my spring quarter, I’ve decided to commit to prioritizing myself. No label, no trend, not “30 soft” or “30 hard,” just 30 days of intentional self-care. Research shows it can take about 21 days of consistency to start forming habits, so my goal is to build routines that actually stick and make me feel better, not just temporarily, but long term.

I’m not going to share every detail because I want to practice what I preach. But I will share how it’s going. Part of my plan includes journaling and writing a blog post each week, not for an audience, but as a way to check in with myself. Maybe I’ll learn something about myself, maybe I won’t, but either way it’s mine. 

And I think that’s the point. Self-care isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about assisting you to be the most authentic and fulfilled version of who you already are.